How I’d Spend $100 Million

Restaurant daydreaming

I have a tendency to run myself into the ground in New York. My inability to say no catches up with me. Plans compound on top of each other. I say I’m not going to drink and then I get sucked into trying three cocktails at Bar Kabawa on a Tuesday. That’s how I ended up at The River this week with friends telling me that I should have just canceled plans. We were pregaming a late dinner at Lei. I was dragging, hard.

The beginning of the meal did little to help me rally. Our table was occupied upon arrival, so we crowded around the bar and checked the wine list. Lei has only 24 seats. You sense that intimacy when you walk in. It’s mostly dates, and in mid-July not very attractive ones. (If you’re hot and you live here, you’re probably out of town avoiding … whatever the hell is going on with this humidity). It felt like we were in the way, and I considered sneaking to the bathroom to look at early flights back to Los Angeles.

We ordered a good chunk of the 13-dish menu, and a couple minutes later a Chinese omelette hit the table. A 9:15pm omelette is a tough way to start a meal. It was cooked well, light and mixed with radish, though not all that memorable. I needed to wake up a bit before I could appreciate fancy eggs. But then the restaurant magic started to hit.

• A pickle plate arrived next, starring celery with Sichuan peppercorn. One of the better bites I’ve had all year.

• More small plates started to fill up our compact corner table. Perfectly cooked cockles in a broth with loofah gourd and Thai basil. Fried goat cheese with Chinese five spice and Lady Edison ham with Asian pear — the first salty and indulgent, the second beautifully plated and balanced.

• We transitioned from the bottle of white burgundy at the bar to a chilled red with more texture recommended by our server to go with the lamb noodles.

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By this point we were about 90 minutes into the meal and I was ready to stay for another 90. Few things invigorate me like a new, packed restaurant with a distinct point of view operating at a high level. Lei has been open for about six weeks and it’s humming with confidence, energy and style.

Substack, the subscription media app I work for that also powers this blog, raised $100 million in Series C funding this week. We’ll use it to make the platform a better home for all kinds of creators and their subscribers. It’s a thrilling and wild time to be working here. There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. But if I had my own fictional interjection of passionate-project funds — and it wasn’t enough to buy the Knicks, my actual dream job — I’d use it to open a restaurant. And the restaurant would probably look a lot more like Lei than what’s going in the The Woolworth Building or what gets attached to boutique hotels.

I like a wide range of restaurants. Remote-ish destinations like Bell’s. Exclusive-ish clubs with amazing food like Torrisi. Timeless classics like Chez Panisse. But if I were running my own spot with someone else’s money — the only circumstances under which it’s worth even considering such an impossible task — I’d keep things small and accessible. I’d prioritize quality of life and quality of experience. It would probably be a bad business, with a small chance of only losing a small amount of money. Any other approach would probably be miserable.

Some more specifics:

• Location: The only places I can see myself living long-term are LA, New York, Maine and the Santa Barbara/Central Coast area. I’m not crazy enough to try to open a business in New York. The state of LA restaurants at the moment is … dispiriting. So Portland or SB is the likely home.

• Space: Twenty-ish seats feels right. Likely not great for business, but good for touching every table, facilitating regulars and not going insane. I like the way Penny is set up to be mostly a bar, while still making you feel connected to the space and appreciative of the food. Mostly a bar with a couple banquette/booth situations would be ideal. And yes to a PDR.

• Hours: Quarter Sheets has this down, operating Tuesday through Saturday from 5pm to 9pm and then Sunday from 1pm to 6pm. Closed on Mondays. It’s a very “this is what works for us” kind of schedule.

• Staff: Oof, the hardest part. Finding and retaining strong employees in the restaurant game is tough. That’s one reason for a small operation. You can work with a small staff as well. With a simple enough menu, I like the idea of operating with a mix of generalists who are all invested in the place, popping in and out of different roles. More companies should be headed in that direction. Applying this to a restaurant is perhaps my dumbest idea. But, again … this wouldn’t be my money on the line.

• Reservations system: No phone. Bar remains open for walk-ins. Booths/banquettes available via Resy.

• Food and drink: Like Lei, never more than 15 dishes. Fifteen actually sounds kind of absurd here. More like eight to 10. No liquor. Don’t want to deal with a liquor license. That probably puts this in the “wine bar with food” camp, and that’s fine. Six snacks and apps. An entree or two with a side. One dessert. Lightly Southern inspired in ingredients, though no Southern cosplay anywhere else. One in, one out on dishes as the seasons change. Never going for anything more ambitious than B+ food and an A+ time.

That whole approach probably maxes out at a budget of a few million dollars, giving ample room to be particularly indulgent on decor and product. The other $90+ million? Plenty of runway, since it doesn’t look like this place will be profitable … ever. And a significant research budget on travel and dining out, of course.